So yesterday I got my first taste of what it’s like to be really normal and not be living a constant high.  I got pissy and grumpy, and at first, it really, really freaked me out.  But, the important thing was that the feeling wasn’t overwhelming, and I was able to keep it to myself and not take it out on anyone one that I love (or anyone that I don’t, for that matter).

I think that I spent the first week or so just so excited, and so blown away by my state of well-being that there wasn’t any room for me to get upset or annoyed.  And while that was lots of fun, facts are facts and it isn’t realistic for me to expect to be that way all the time.  It all comes down to how I handle the negative emotions when they arise (because they are going to arise, it’s inevitable).  If I can remain calm, and remove myself from the situation or, failing that, use the patience I’ve built up to avoid conflict in the situation, then I will consider that a success.

To some extent, I kind of have to learn how to live my life in a completely new way.  I became symptomatic of bipolar disorder when I was 14.  You’re really just coming into your own and discovering how to be you at that age, anyway.  Because I’m an ultradian cycler (which means that my mood can cycle from manic to depressed and back again in less than 24 hours), I never really had a period of euthymia (normal mood) that lasted long enough for me to get comfortable in the shoes of the person that I really am, when bipolar isn’t controlling my life.

Don’t mistake me, I had periods where I wasn’t depressed, nor was I manic.  But they were short and fitful, and I never knew how long they were going to last.

Now. . .  Well I’m counting on this one to last.  And that leaves me with the momentous task of defining who I am.  I used to try to do this, to tease out the strands of what was me from what was the disease, especially when I got very depressed.  I would list all of my good qualities:  I’m smart, I’m compassionate, I’m fun to be around, I’m a good friend, I’m constantly trying to better myself. . .  Well I’ll spare you the whole laundry list.  But I need to really take some time, I think, to get to know myself again.  To feel what is feels like to be me, not a depressed me, not a manic me, not a chemically altered me – well, I know that one could be argued, I am taking chemicals, but I think of them as not altering me, but rather restoring my mind to balance, replacing things that I’m lacking and decreasing things that I have an overabundance of.

And I don’t need to go away to some remote cabin and spend a week writing and meditating to figure myself out (although a vacation would be nice right now :) ).  I can figure myself out much more accurately and thoroughly just by living my daily life and paying attention.  Paying attention to what makes me happy, to what pisses me off, to how I react to things and situations and people, and most importantly, paying attention to what brings me true inner peace and contentment, and striving to capture that tranquility and create more of it in my life.

I think that it’s time to break out some more Dalai Lama. :D

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